Ummm... YEAH!

A survey shows that U.S. workers waste 20% of the day on the job taking care of personal business, socializing or on the Internet.

(Or taking part in surveys about what they are doing.)

Do you think "Mundane" is derived from the word "Monday?"

It could be vice versa... the two words are almost synonyms. I hate Mundane Mondays.

By Request...

For Nolan

That's UN-POSSIBLE!

I loved the Simpsons movie! Let me start by saying that it was so great! Matt Groening is a genius and deserves some sort of (spider-pig) award for creating a cartoon show that has run on prime-time for 18 years AND a 2 hour movie to get people to pay for something they can watch for free at home (as Homer points out in the first 5 minutes of the film!) Dan has never even SEEN an episode of the Simpsons, and hates the show, but I begged him to see the movie with me. I can say quite proudly, that even he was laughing out loud during MULTIPLE parts of the movie. The theatre was packed, and the whole audience laughed for practically EVERY line of the show! What's next for the Simpsons... a BROADWAY SHOW?!!! Oooooh! That'd be fantastic!

I have to complain about one thing, though- where was RALPH! I love Ralph Wiggum, he's my favorite character on the show, and I was so excited to see him crawl out on the 20th century Fox logo at the very start of the film. Wasn't that hilarious? He sang along to the theme of the 20th century song, while picking his nose. Pure comedy.

After that, he had like 1 other line in the whole movie, "I like men now," when Bart skated by naked on his skateboard (another brilliant part, and you know what I mean!) Where was my Ralphie?

So, in tribute to Ralph Wiggum, I researched some of his greatest quotes from the show. Enjoy! (Oh, and GO see this movie! I promise it's worth it!)

Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!

I bent my wookie.

The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there

Ralph: "Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants."

Chief Wiggum: "Just relax and it'll come, son."

And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life

I found a moonrock in my nose!

That's where I saw the Leprchaun. He tells me to burn things!

Restless Leg Syndrome?

Ok, What's up with restless leg syndrome? I've been seeing these commercials on TV, and they describe a "creepy crawly sensation" in your legs while resting. I swear, everytime I see this commercial, I feel the creepy crawly sensation!! It's as if just seeing it on TV, I automatically think I have it! What is up with this? Is there really a condition for feeling like you need to move your legs? And why do you need medication for this? Why not just get up and walk around- go get some exercise, work it out! You know what I do when I feel the urge to move my legs? I MOVE THEM!

It made me curious, though, so I went on the Miramax website to see what this drug is that's supposed to help you with "creepy crawly legs." You wanna know what the side effects are? Get ready...

I addition to the usual- nausea, headaches, dizziness, and oh yeah, "falling asleep while driving a car" (that's a good one, right?) they also include hallucinations. That's right, they say you can experience seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting or feeling something that isn't there. Do you follow me on that last one... feeling something that's not there? Like, oh say, feeling creepy crawly sensation in your LEGS? Ha!

But here's my favorite, and to prove I'm not making this stuff up, I'm gonna take this original exerpt from their own website on the list of side effects:

"There have been reports of patients taking certain medications to treat Parkinson’s disease or RLS, including MIRAPEX, that have reported problems with gambling, compulsive eating, and increased sex drive. It is not possible to reliably estimate how often these behaviors occur to determine which factors may contribute to them. If you or your family members notice that you are developing unusual behaviors, talk to your doctor."

Can you imagine confronting someone about their gambling addiction?

"Hey, Hal- I think you have a gambling problem."

"No way, man- I can't help it! It's my RESTLESS LEGS! I have no control! I can't stop playing blackjack!"

"Hal, you'd better lay off the oreos and Big Macs. You've got an overeating problem."

"Uh uh, it's my LEGS! MY LEGS! MY RESTLESS LEGS! I can't stop eating cake and having sex because of my creepy crawly legs!"

Aren't I a GREAT great-aunt?

Can you believe I'm a GREAT-Aunt of 2? Yup, that's right! Dan's nephew has 2 sons, and this is Talon, the youngest. Talon was born in January and his older brother Griffin is 4. Talon was obsessesed with pulling and eating my hair- he's got quite an arm! It really hurt!

Simpsons Movie Tonight!

Oh yes, my friends... the moment that was 18 years in the making! Simpsons movie opens TONIGHT! Here's me at Moe's Tavern, having a brew with Homer to celebrate.

Puff the magic dragon

Dan cracked me up this morning! He decided he didn't want to wear socks with his shoes, so he put baby powder in them to keep them fresh as a baby's bottom. Evidently, he put too MUCH powder in them, because when he started walking down the sidewalk, little powder CLOUDS would puff up out of his shoes with each step he took. Left foot...poof...Right foot...poof... Left foot...poof...

Hmmmm

Does the atheist dyslexic not believe in DOG?

Countdown to another Friday!

I had a hard time waking up this morning- I have to admit. I have this theory that your bed never feels quite as good as 5 minutes before your alarm goes off. Isn't it true? The blankets are wrapped around you just right, the bed is soft and warm, the pillow cradles your head so perfectly... and then beep beep beep beep! The alarm rips you out of your perfect nirvana and your feet hit the cold floor.

Anyway, I was dragging moving my butt to get ready for work today. I couldn't decide what to wear, didn't feel like curling my hair, and just was completely unmotivated to go to work. I was dreaming of staying on the couch all day, watching Maury on TiVo, and just being plain lazy. My bad mood continued as I scuffed my flip flops down the sidewalk on the way to the subway station, walked down the stairs and was hit by a wave of hot hot stale subway tunnel air.
Later, as I was riding the elevator up to the 34th Floor and stepping off into my office, I literally stopped and reprimanded myself severely.

How dare I complain about having to go to work, when so many people don’t even have a job? How can I dream about staying home all day on the couch when I walk by people who don’t even have a home to get out of the rain and snow? I get frustrated because I can’t figure out what to wear, but I walk by people sitting on the street every day who don’t have shoes, and only the rags on their back. My attitude sucks, and I realized that I have to be more grateful for the luxuries that I take for granted every day. Shame shame on me.

OK, I GET IT!

I finally get it- I'm not supposed to have my car here in NYC. It's not meant to be! You'd think that after the THREE parking tickets (2 in 20 minutes, see my earlier post below) that I'd start to get a clue. Let me explain...

My car got broken into last night!

Some jerk smashed the driver's side window while it was parked (legally, mind you) along the street. Now, before my mother calls and says that our neighborhood is too dangerous, let me point out that we live in one of the most desireable neighborhoods in Manhattan, and there are VERY expensive cars parked along the street at all times of the day. What possessed someone to smash out our window is anybody's guess.

Dan went to get the car this morning and drive it to the garage, where, after the parking fiasco, we purchased a monthly spot to store the car. When he found the car at 8am, the glass was all over the seats inside, and oh yes... it RAINED all day yesterday, so the car is soaked.

You're supposed to be able to learn a lesson with every misfortune or fortune you experience, but it's been hard for me to be happy about learning something from a senseless act like this. Nothing was stolen, so I can be grateful for that, but there was nothing left IN the car to steal. I guess I can be grateful that I wasn't DRIVING the car when the window was smashed ?!? I dunno. If anyone can see the silver lining, feel free to comment below.

I'm driving the car BACK to Pennsylvania and shaking my fist in the air through the gaping hole where my window used to be. I hope car Karma gets whoever did this!

Go ahead... laugh

If you don't read this post, and email it to 15 people in the next 5 minutes, you'll have bad luck for the next 7 years!

We all have at least one person, if not more, in our life that deserves to have his or her email forwarding privileges revoked. These are otherwise intelligent people whose common sense somehow seems to stop at their wrist. Without the slightest bit of discernment, they click to forward us this year’s “Top Ten Blond Jokes” or the most recent hackneyed reflection about stopping to smell the roses.

Jeff Zickgraff knows about five of these people and one week they all seemed to join forces. “I received the same chain email from each of them,” he says. “I couldn’t believe that so many people were passing along something so stupid.”

The email originated from Microsoft and said that the company was testing a new email tracking system. “For each person you send this email to you will be given $5,” it promised. “Please forward this on to as many people as possible so that both you and I can take part.” Of course, Microsoft was performing no such test and the letter is a hoax that has been around for years. But Zickgraff's friends weren't taking any chances, so they diligently forwarded it along.
Zickgraff, on the other hand, wasn’t buying it. “People figure, I’d better be safe and send this along,” he says. “But they should probably stop and think about whether it is a hoax and whether they should be helping to promote it.” And with a few clicks, Zickgraff, who works for a small software startup company in Indianapolis, found a website that verified his suspicions about the supposed Microsoft giveaway.
So he decided to teach his gullible friends a lesson.
Lifting insignias from Microsoft’s website, he designed company stationary and checks for several hundred dollars. Then he mailed them to everyone who had forwarded him the email.
“You are receiving the enclosed check because you have forwarded one of the selected messages to your friends and family,” the letter said. “Again, thank you for your participation in our on-going research. Please tell your friends and family members that you have been rewarded and that indeed, it does pay to forward our e-mails on to new recipients.”
Some of Zickgraff's friends said that they planned to deposit the check. Others just took it around the office bragging to everyone who had been skeptical, he recalls.
“I designed it pretty well but I was surprised that they fell for it,” Zickgraff says. “Then again, these are the same people who fell for the original email.”
After several delicious days basking in his friends’ foolishness, Zickgraff finally fessed up. He directed one friend's attention to the fine print on the back of the check. It said, “Please endorse only in your dreams.’”

-posted by Ian Urbina, "Life's Little Annoyances"

I hate that!

I hate it when people say "LAUNDRY-mat" instead of "LAUNDROMAT!" Get it straight, people! Oh, and how about "ValenTIMES Day?" Hate it!

Toy boat...Toy Boat...Tow Boat

I saw a tugboat as we were going over the Hudson River yesterday, and it got me on a whole TUG boat tangent. First of all, why do they call it a TUG boat, when it actually PUSHES the other boat? Shouldn't it be called a PUSH boat?

And if a tug boat's job is to move disabled boats and watercraft, then they pretty much do what tow trucks do for other vehicles, right? So then, why don't they call it a TOW boat?

Or, why don't we change the name of TOW trucks to TUG trucks. In actuality, that's a more accurate name than a tug boat, because like I said before, a tug boat doesn't tug- it pushes. Tow trucks actually do tug, so I think that's a better name anyway.

Can you imagine saying, "My car broke down, so I had to get a tug to the shop," or "The tug truck tugged my car because I didn't pay my parking tickets!"

Reunited... and it SOUNDS so good!

Beulah Camp with the Fam

Reunited

I'm off to a perform with my band from Philadelphia- The Coup! I'll have my photographer, Dan take some pics for your viewing pleasure!

Pass the dogs, please

Prince and Romeo loved all the hugs they got on vacation! Take one down...pass 'em around... two identically dressed dogs in polos on the porch!

Tammy Faye Passes Away

Tammy Faye (Baker) Messner has died, losing a long battle with inoperable cancer. What a sweet lady- it's so sad. I watched her interview with Larry King earlier this week, when she was down to just 65 lbs. "Don't let fear rule your life, " she said, "Live one day at a time and never be afraid."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

Boy Shakira

Dan and I watched this on America's Got Talent last night, and we love this guy! THIS is what I call entertainment! He's got ALL the moves!

Inappropriately placed watermelons

Life on the Road

Prince is a good little traveller- we drove over 2200 miles last week on vacation, and he took about 2200 naps!

Serving up some HAM for the camera!

Headed for a BOOT

We just got 2 parking tickets in less than 20 minutes. Add this to the parking ticket that we got in December, and we're just about due for a boot on the car. As if I didn't need to be reminded that having a car in Manhattan is just about the dumbest thing you can do to yourself. We went and got our car from Philadelphia (see my road rage milkshake previous posting )and drove up to Canada. Since we plan on leaving NYC a couple more times this summer for weekend trips, we decided to bring the car back and park it on our street. Monthly parking can cost upwards of $800, so we were excited to find a free spot right in front of our building. Problem is, they clean the streets 4 times a week, and you have to keep moving your car from one side to the other every day. I thought I found a good parking space NEAR a hydrant, but clearly far enough away that it wouldn't be in the no parking zone. This was confirmed when I got home from work the next day, and didn't see an orange ticket on my windshield. I was going to move the car right away, but Dan said, "Honey, I'll move it in the morning, I'm going in late to work."

What a sweetheart! Uh, well... read on...

The next morning when I left for work, still no ticket. When DAN went out to move the car... TICKET. $150 bones. URRGHHH! Dan moves the car and calls me to tell me the bad news. Then he says, "the sweeper already went by, so it's ok to park there now, right?" "NO," I said. You can't park between 9 and 10:30, the sign clearly says. It doesn't matter if the sweeper went by or not. Dan didn't listen, left the car, and went inside to get his briefcase for work. When he walked out just MINUTES later, there was a pretty orange sticker AGAIN on the car. Those jerks are all OVER it!

(We made a reservation for monthly parking at a garage.) I'd rather give my money away to a bum with a cardboard sign than to the CITY!

Explosion in Midtown Manhattan

Just wanted to post a note that Dan and I are ok, and we weren't hurt in the midtown explosion near Grand Central Station today. You can check out the news coverage at http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=local&id=5489428

Dan was coming out of the subway at Grand Central when it happened, and he was on his way to meet me at my office after work. As he came up out of the subway, he said it was pretty scary because no one knew what the explosion was, and everyone was scared and screaming. People were running, and soot was falling all over the place. They evacuated Grand Central, and the buildings around. I was in my office on the 34th floor, 3 blocks away, and I heard sirens screaming, and looked out the window to see smoke everywhere and people pouring out onto the streets and sidewalks everywhere. I went online to find out what was going on, and then I got worried because I knew Dan was coming through Grand Central at the time that it happened. When I got downstairs to meet Dan, he had soot and dirt powdered all over his clothes.

The mood wasn't exactly panic, it was more of concern- and people kept coming up to us and asking if we knew what was going on and what happened. It took a while to get home, because of the crowds and the streets being blocked off. People were gathered in Times Square to find out what was going on by watching the huge tv news screens everywhere. It was pretty surreal to see all the smoke on the screens, and then look down the street, and see the actual event.

4 years! That's longer than Jessica and Britney's marriages combined!

Huh?

Here's my "quote of the day" from my calendar...

You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men. - Max Beerbohm

What? I don't get it...

Bad Bad Bad Hair

Vacation's over!

Hey, I'm back from vacation and I'll update my blog soon. According to my traffic counter, there's been quite a few people checking to see what's been going on in Carmine Land (ahem...stalkers) J/K. We travelled from NYC to Canada, then down to Maryland, and back to Manhattan- no car trouble speeding tickets or accidents. Oh, except Prince, who pooped on Dan's lap when we were driving through the Holland Tunnel. More info to come!

The Kingdom of Heaven VS. The Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates

Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal

Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire

Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God

Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God

Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin

Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully

Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!

Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!

77 Summers

Consider this:

If the average life span is about 77 years, that means we have 77 Summers, 77 Christmas mornings, 77 New Years, and that's it! It's easy to get caught in the day-to-day craziness, but life goes by in the blink of an eye. Relish every moment!

Bums for Hire

When I first moved to NYC, I felt so sad seeing the amount of homeless people who would dig through trash bins, beg on the street, and shuffle along with shopping carts full of all their earthly possessions. Dan and I started saving all our cans, and putting them outside the trash in a separate bag to save the bums just a sliver of pride, rather than have to dumpster dive for their 10 cent refund. I soon noticed that you see the SAME people everyday, in the SAME place, in the SAME condition. Obviously, giving them your spare change just encourages them to keep doing what they do, instead of urging them to get a job and contribute to society in a positve way.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that no matter who you are, in any condition, you can get a job doing SOMETHING. Even if it's sweeping cigarrette butts in the park, or rubbing pigeon droppings off lamp posts- there are jobs that ANYONE, even with mental illness, no education, or poor hygeine can do.

I also came to the realization, that even if you can't find a JOB, you can figure out a way to EARN the money that people donate to you. For example, dance a jig! Play a kazoo in a funny hat! Offer to tie people's shoes! Make crafts like hats or paper swans out of old newspapers! I once saw a guy in the subway with a tiny little kitten in his lap, and an empty can of cat food- of COURSE I stopped and gave HIM money! It was for the CAT! (Actually, I told Dan that if he REALLY wanted to make money, he'd have a sign that said, "If I don't make $50 tonight, I will EAT the cat!")

Speaking of signs, where do they get the money to buy supplies for these signs? Sharpies are EXPENSIVE, people! I saw a guy with a sign that said, "I'm hungry. I have no money for food." Yeah, well you WOULD if you hadn't bought a sharpie and a piece of poster board! So, why don't bums start a business MAKING SIGNS for other bums? Instead of having to buy the supplies, you can buy a ready made sign (maybe in bright flourescent pink?) for $1 from the homeless guy with the little desk set up on the corner. It's his "bid-ness."

So, imagine how impressed I was when I saw that some bums (I'm kinda tired of saying "BUM" all the time... how about "residency-challenged") had gotten in line for the Apple iPhone at the Manhattan Apple store, and were SELLING their spots!

Pure GENIUS! Great job, guys! I love it! My brother Nolan suggested that they could become professional line holders, and pass out business cards (maybe the sign guy can make them?) for concert tickets, video games, movie openings, broadway shows... the list goes on! Then we realized that they don't have cell phones, to be able to call them to arrange a hire. Nolan suggested that I start a business managing the line-holders, and scheduling jobs for them, taking a 50% cut of the profits. Essentially, a "BUM PIMP."

How American Are YOU?

You Are 26% American

America: You don't love it or want to leave it. But you wouldn't mind giving it an EXTREME MAKE OVER!

Take the test:How American Are You?

Dog owners can be weird...

I was at the dog park this morning with Romeo and Prince. A dog came up and sniffed Romeo's butt, and the dog's owner said, "Awww... she's eating his leftovers!"

That's disgusting, lady.

Standclearoftheclosingdoorsplease

I've noticed more and more tourists and less and less New Yorkers in the city this time of year. As soon as school is out, the New Yorkers leave for their Hampton houses and the tourists take over. They're sometimes even color-coded: you see a dozen red hanes t-shirts pouring down the subway steps all at once. They start yelling for everyone to hurry and then cram into one train together, holding the doors with the "I am superman, watch my strength" move. Crowding around the subway map, you hear them arguing about when to get off or if they're even if they're on the right train. There's always the ringleader, with the fanny pack stuffed to capacity with brochures, maps and sunglasses. His wallet is hanging from a pouch around his neck- a clever device proven to be top security against pickpocketers. The camcorder is looped around is left hand, in stand by record mode, in position for split-second movie magic, and the lens cap is dangling by a silk cord.

The transit authority seems to prepare for the shift in summer demographics as well, and I've noticed that the recorded announcements played in the subway have changed. Normally, you just hear a bell and then the doors on the subway SLAM shut like a prison cell. However, they've added new instructions. Along with the standard, "Stand clear of the closing doors, please" I've heard the following new additions:

"Please move all the way into the center of the train"

"Caution, doors close quickly"

"Please hold all backpacks to provide room"

"Do not hold doors"

"Step all the way in to the train"

"Use caution when exiting the train"

Good start, but I have a few more suggestions. How about:

"Don't stand there like an idiot when there' s people behind you!"

"If you're too FAT, you won't fit!"

"Let people OFF the train before you start pushing to get ON!"

"Quit rolling over people's feet with your rolling luggage!"

"If you've got 5 suitcases, TAKE A CAB!"

"If you're standing in front of the doors, you have to MOVE when the train stops to let people out of the train!"

"Next time, you might find it easier to wait for the doors to OPEN before you get on the train!"

"Please note that that beeping noise means the doors are about to CLOSE. It does not mean THROW YOURSELF OR YOUR LUGGAGE INTO THE DOORS!"

Try it!

If you wanna try the face transformer yourself, go to
http://morph.cs.st-andrews.ac.uk//Transformer/

You have to take a good face picture, and don't smile cause it messes up the face really funny if you do.

Forget Road Rage... Try Road REVENGE!

So, I went to Philadelphia yesterday to pick up my car (we left the car in Philadelphia, because we were trying to sell it, and we just don't need a car in NYC) and I was at the exit for the Lincoln Tunnel, to cross back into Manhattan. This big redneck excursion from NEW JERSEY comes flying up the EZ pass lane, trying to get ahead off all the cars waiting in line for the toll, and then tried to cut back in front of everyone. This is the driving equivalent of cutting in line for the post office... you just DON'T do it! So they tried to get in 2 cars ahead of me, and they wouldn't let them in. They tried the car in front of me, they wouldn't let them in. I wouldn't let them in either. This crazy crackhead blonde rolls down her window, and screams at me, "I'll HIT you! I'll just HIT you then!" So, as I love to do, I just smiled and waved, and kept tailing the guy in front of me so that she couldn't get in. Hey, I'm not gonna bow down to you because you're in an Excursion! Go ahead and hit me, it'll be 100% your fault! So anyway, this lady got crazier and crazier, and I just ignored her. She rolled down her window and told me to get out of the car so we could take this outside! She started cursing, and flipped me the bird, and then I pulled my FAVORITE trick... I gave her the thumbs up, and then BLEW HER A SWEET LITTLE KISS! Ha ha ha ha! I love it! This was more than she could take, apparently, and she threw a coffee all over my car! Check out the pics!

Did I get MAD? Nope! No way- I got her LICENSE PLATE!!!! I grabbed my cell phone as soon as she did it, called 911, and said, "I'd like to report a road rage and an irratic driver who is dangerous on the road." The operator transferred me to a cop who was stationed right at the tunnel, and I gave the description to a cop, who was parked RIGHT beyond the toll booths! I gave the description of the lady, her plates, her car, and even pointed out that she had a pink cast on her left hand ( I got a nice view when she flipped me off! :) The cop said, "Ok, I think I see her right now. Thank you very much, m'am!" Isn't that the greatest?! Road rage might be satisifying to some, but there's really no greater feeling than driving by and watching them get pulled over!! Road REVENGE is even BETTER!