Standclearoftheclosingdoorsplease

I've noticed more and more tourists and less and less New Yorkers in the city this time of year. As soon as school is out, the New Yorkers leave for their Hampton houses and the tourists take over. They're sometimes even color-coded: you see a dozen red hanes t-shirts pouring down the subway steps all at once. They start yelling for everyone to hurry and then cram into one train together, holding the doors with the "I am superman, watch my strength" move. Crowding around the subway map, you hear them arguing about when to get off or if they're even if they're on the right train. There's always the ringleader, with the fanny pack stuffed to capacity with brochures, maps and sunglasses. His wallet is hanging from a pouch around his neck- a clever device proven to be top security against pickpocketers. The camcorder is looped around is left hand, in stand by record mode, in position for split-second movie magic, and the lens cap is dangling by a silk cord.

The transit authority seems to prepare for the shift in summer demographics as well, and I've noticed that the recorded announcements played in the subway have changed. Normally, you just hear a bell and then the doors on the subway SLAM shut like a prison cell. However, they've added new instructions. Along with the standard, "Stand clear of the closing doors, please" I've heard the following new additions:

"Please move all the way into the center of the train"

"Caution, doors close quickly"

"Please hold all backpacks to provide room"

"Do not hold doors"

"Step all the way in to the train"

"Use caution when exiting the train"

Good start, but I have a few more suggestions. How about:

"Don't stand there like an idiot when there' s people behind you!"

"If you're too FAT, you won't fit!"

"Let people OFF the train before you start pushing to get ON!"

"Quit rolling over people's feet with your rolling luggage!"

"If you've got 5 suitcases, TAKE A CAB!"

"If you're standing in front of the doors, you have to MOVE when the train stops to let people out of the train!"

"Next time, you might find it easier to wait for the doors to OPEN before you get on the train!"

"Please note that that beeping noise means the doors are about to CLOSE. It does not mean THROW YOURSELF OR YOUR LUGGAGE INTO THE DOORS!"