I know it has taken a long time for me to write this, and honestly, I have been putting it off. I just have a very hard time describing this event in a way that is worthy of writing it. It's a day I know I will never forget, and I cherish every memory of her birth. So forgive me if this goes long and in detail that might make you uncomfortable, but I'm going to be honest and forthright in hopes that others will be inspired to consider a natural, drug-free, emporwering labor and delivery like what I experienced.
On Sunday morning, July 24, I woke up around 6am with slight cramping. My belly would get very hard and round- it literally felt like there was a hard watermelon under my shirt. The cramps felt just like menstrual cramps. They weren't very painful, just slightly annoying, really. I thought this was just more Braxton-Hicks (false-labor) contractions that I'd been feeling for the past few weeks, so I just re-adjusted my position in bed (with my 6 pillows...all you ladies who have been pregnant know about the ridiculous amounts of pillows you require to sleep!) and I went back to sleep. At around 8:30am, I awoke again, and the cramps were still coming. I told Dan, "I think I'm going to have a baby today." I remember saying it just like that- a matter of fact. I got up and decided to take a shower and have breakfast. When I came out of the bedroom, I told my mom that I was feeling "crampy" and she said that's good! (She was eager to meet her grandson...did I mention that my mum was CONVINCED it was a boy?)
An hour later, the cramping was still coming. I didn't really know if it was contractions or not, but Dan wanted to time them. He downloaded this app on his iPhone and was all excited to use it...except I couldn't tell him when they started or stopped; it was like they were all on top of each other. Just constant fluttering and shifting and contracting. Kind of like when you eat some bad mexican food and your intestines are all cramping and gurgling. It was that kind of pain where you know you're gonna be on the loo for a long time!
I wasn't convinced that I was experiencing actual contractions yet, so I decided that I would put on my swimsuit and go down to the indoor pool in our building and walk some laps. I'd been doing laps and swimming every day for the last 2 weeks, and it felt so good to be in the water. I figured that if I did some exercise, it would either STOP the false labor, and I could get on with my day, or it would INCREASE the contractions and I would get to meet my baby! I was hoping it was the latter.
I told Dan and my mum that I was going to the pool, and my mum said she wanted to come too. She got her swimsuit and Dan got his iPhone app and decided that he didn't want to swim, but he wanted to go along to see how I was feeling.
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| The pool in our building, where I spent most of my time in labor |
I got out of the pool and dried off. I used Dan's phone to call the midwife's office (it was a weekend, so I left a message with the after-hours operator.) Dan had been calling his mom and dad all morning to tell them to get on the train (from Lancaster, PA) to come to NYC for the birth. We had planned on his mom and my mum being in the birthing center with us for the delivery. They weren't answering their phone, because they were in church and had it turned off. While I was drying off in the locker room, he finally got a hold of his mom and he said that they had to take the next train out.
The midwife called me back around 12 noon. I gave her a run-down of how I was feeling. During the conversation, I had a contraction, and it was difficult to speak to her during the apex of the contraction. I could speak, but it was like being on a treadmill for 40 minutes, where you're trying to talk but the words come out choppy and your breathing is heavy. She told me that she wanted me to call her back when I can no longer speak through the contraction. In the mean time, she was calling the hospital to get the birthing center room ready.
So now, Dan's parents are getting on the train, due to arrive around 3pm. I figured the baby would probably be born in the evening sometime. I had a quick shower again to wash off the chlorine, changed into a loose jersey maxi-dress, and decided to eat some lunch. Dan and my mum were watching Will & Grace. I only had an appetite for a few bites of a protein bar, and drank some gatorade. I realize now that when you're in labor, you really can't eat anything; your appetite is just gone.
I started pacing in the apartment, and then when I needed more room to walk, I started cruising up and down the long, carpeted hallways and elevator area of our apartment building. My dog, Prince, was obviously sensing that something was "off" and that I was in pain, and he FREAKED out. He was whimpering, following at my heels, and trembling. It's crazy how animals can sense these things. I picked him up, and cradled him in my arms as I walked through the halls. It actually helped me, because when I had a powerful contraction, I would bury my face in his soft, white fur, and breathe. I felt comforted and peaceful with him in my arms, and I visualized that soon I would hold my baby in my arms this same way. I walked in the halls alone for about 30-40 minutes, and was singing as much as I could in between contractions. Anything that came to mind- A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, It is Well with my Soul, or Al Green's Let's stay together. It was just my way of keeping "busy", and making sure to keep breathing, because breathing is such a big part of singing. None of this stuff was pre-meditated, by the way, this was all new to me so I just kept finding things that "worked" to keep me strong and motivated.
After a while, I couldn't keep walking anymore- the contractions were coming so much faster and stronger that I spent more time with my forehead against the wall, leaning into a contraction, than actually walking. It was like, "take 5 steps, lean against the wall. Take another 5 steps, head against the wall." Since this was my first experience with labor, I still didn't know how "far" I was yet. Everything I've heard and seen on tv or in the movies made me believe that the pain was going to get so intense I would feel like I was going to die. You know that show, "I didn't know I was pregnant?" That's the common denominator with these idiotic women; that they all thought they were going to die and didn't know it was actually labor! So, I was feeling these strong surges, and needing to stop and breathe through them, but I didn't ever feel like I was going to die. I kind of just understood that the more I SURRENDERED to the contraction and let it do as much as it possibly could to move the baby down and out WITHOUT my intervening, the better. The best way I can describe the sensation of a contraction is a muscle cramp. That's literally what it is. The uterus is a strong muscle that tightens and squeezes with an incredible amount of force to slide and move the baby down and out of your body. When muscles are fatigued, they CRAMP and they contract, and therefore it hurts. It felt like the strongest leg or foot cramp you've ever gotten, but in your lower abdomen. And just like a leg cramp, the more you resist or tense up, the more painful it gets. If you can somehow relax and stop thinking about it, the muscle eventually relaxes and the pain stops. That's exactly the same as contractions.
I'm also a huge believer in "framing" a situation. The more I made contractions a "good" and positive thing in my mind, the less painful they became and the more I could relax and surrender to them. Instead of fearing the next contraction, I welcomed and embraced it, knowing that each contraction was bringing me closer and closer to meeting my baby that had been a mystery all these 10 months. I so desperately wanted to see my baby and smell and kiss and hold it, that each time a contraction came, I surrendered so deeply that I almost felt like I LEFT my body and disappeared from the pain entirely. The other thing that helped me frame the situation was that I knew each contraction had a definitely START and END. Contractions, even at their apex only last about 60 seconds. Then, you have anywhere from 2-4 minutes of rest. Complete rest. Peace. No pain. So I didn't think about how long labor would last, I just thought about those 60 seconds. We all can do practically ANYTHING for 60 seconds. And I knew that it's "pain with a purpose" as my mum once said- it's not pain for no reason, it's pain that's bringing you a BABY so the reward will far outweigh the temporary discomfort!
I came back into the apartment, where my mum and Dan were sitting on the sofa, watching tv. I don't remember much, but I remember telling them I needed the tv OFF and I wanted complete silence. They asked if I needed anything and I said that I just wanted to be alone, and if I need anything I'll tell them. I went into the bedroom and took a bath towel. I folded the towel in half and knelt on it, with my forehead against the bed. I did this for 2 reasons- first to cushion my knees, because for some reason, my body was telling me that to be kneeling with my knees far apart was the best position for me to move this baby out, and second, because I thought that my water might break at any moment and the towel would make that a whole lot easier to clean up!
I labored on my knees with my upper body laying across the bed for quite a while. I remember my breath getting much deeper as the contractions intensified. I used a breathing technique that I use in yoga, where you inhale through the nose and breathe out through your mouth, but in such a way that you are forcing the air through the back of your throat and the sound is almost the same as an ocean wave. Also, in yoga, you try and make your inhale and your exhale the exact same duration as each other. So as I breathed through intense contractions, I literally imagined that I was hearing the sound of the ocean in my breath. I was able to take this breathing sound and mentally transport myself so that I was imagining that I was actually on the beach on a warm sunny day. I visualized so intently that I could feel the grit of the sand between my toes, the beads of sweat on my brow from the warm sun, the coolness of the sand under my legs, and the mist of the ocean spray dancing across my face. This visualization technique (which no one taught me, it just evolved like this as I was trying to be completely relaxed during labor) is one of the most powerful methods of pain management, in my opinion. I felt like I had an escape- that I could leave my body and travel to this place of peace and quiet. I can honestly say, I was silent during my labor- I kept thinking that moaning and screaming would just take away energy that I was going to need later when I was pushing the baby out.
At some point, I called for Dan. I told him that it was time to call the midwife- I was unable to speak at all during contractions. Dan called her and tried to pass me the phone. I motioned for him to talk because the contractions were so close together at this point, I was only able to say a few sentences and then another one would come. He talked to her and then said to me, "The midwife says the birthing center is FULL. They will have a room available at 3pm. Can you wait until 3?' It was just after noon at this point. I said that I thought 3 would be no problem, so the midwife said she'd meet us at the birthing center at 3pm.
For the next hour, I moved to a new position: sitting on the toilet. I know it sounds weird- I wasn't USING the toilet, my body was just telling me that I needed to be in a squatting position. I tried squatting on my own, but my legs would go numb after a while, so the toilet was the ideal position. I had my legs spread as wide apart as I could. After a while, the pain was intensifying so I had to come up with a new coping technique. I asked dan to come in and bring this head scratcher thing (you know, like the kind they sell at kiosks at the mall?) and gently drag it across the nape of my neck when I got a contraction. As he did this, I would move my awareness from the center of my pain in my abdomen to the tiny little metallic fingers of this wand travelling and tickling across the back of my neck and shoulders. It was an amazing technique- the tickling of the wand gave me something else to focus and distract from the compression and cramping of the contraction. I asked him what time it was and he said 1:30pm. I told him that I still wanted to wait for the birthing center room at 3pm, but I was feeling like my water was going to break soon and I didn't want it to break in the cab on the way to the hospital. Plus, I didn't know how long it would take to even hail a cab on a Sunday afternoon, so I wanted to get ready and go. He said he would call the midwife and tell her we were going to leave at 2pm for the hospital. As he left to go make the phone call, he asked my mum to come in and keep doing the tickling thing with the wand on my neck. (This next part is one of those things that's not funny at the time, but you laugh about it later...)
She started trying to move the wand across my shoulders, but kept getting it tangled up in my hair! She would move it and then say, "oops! Sorry, dear!" and then struggle with both hands to get it untangled. All this in the midst of me going through a contraction! It happened at least 5 or 6 times, that she got my hair stuck in the wand thing. At the time, I was so irritated but didn't want to waste the energy or even have the breath to be able to yell at her for doing it, but it actually DID distract me, which was the goal, right? After Sevryn was born, I brought it up and we had a good laugh about it all. My mum said she kept feeling so bad that she was pulling and getting my hair all knotted in that thing! Haha good intentions but not carried out very well!
