Forget the South Beach Diet...Check out the New York City Diet!

So I've come to believe that New Yorkers can't be fat because they can't AFFORD to be fat! First of all, I'm walking EVERYWHERE, and secondly, check out my grocery bill for this week:

1 small carton of milk 1 small bag of dry dog food

4 sticks of margerine 1 box dog biscuits

1 loaf of white bread 1 pkg Halls coughdrops

3 apples 2L Diet Mt. Dew

Total: $18.65!!!

That's the New York Diet! Looking at my list, it would appear that the dogs are eating better than we are. No wonder the kitchens in NY apartments are so tiny- it's more expensive to buy groceries than to eat out! I guess it's a good thing that we have a tiny little mini-bar sized fridge in our apt- at least it looks full in comparison!

New York City- A Magical City that turns everything EXPENSIVE!

What better way to relax after moving boxes all day, than with an ice-cold can of Diet Coke? "Good idea, Carmine," I thought to myself. I walked to the corner market at the end of our block, and picked up a 6-pack of what I now consider, "liquid gold." Take a stab at how much a 6 pack of Diet Coke cost me in New York City? $5.50!!!! I could almost buy a gallon of GAS for that amount!

Is there a problem with the American Education System?

Love thy Neighbor

Sure, I know that the Bible says to love our neighbors as ourselves. But frankly, I don't believe that my neighbors can stand all that affection

Please explain...

I've often wondered, WHO is this sign posted for? Is it meant for the BLIND people or the DOGS to read? Shouldn't it be in Braille?

Excuse me, do you have the time?

Have you ever noticed that when people ask you for the time, they point to their WRIST? It's like the standardized sign language for, "what time is it?" or "I'm an idiot, I don't have a watch." More often, though, I don't even wear a watch, yet I always know exactly how LATE I AM. Why, you ask? Because I carry my CELL phone!

So, what if you walked up to someone, and holding your fingers like a pretend phone on the side of your face, you said, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" I think they'd get the point.

And while we're on the topic, why DO people point at their wrist to ask the time? Does that mean that if we ask where the bathroom is, we should gesture to our crotch or point to our butt? Hey, I just think if we're gonna decide on a universal code, then we need to be CONSISTANT.

Is there Something in my TEETH?

Painting the town...well, Black and White, I guess

Check out our rockin' Kareoke night- from left:
Cory, Dan(doing some sort of Y-M-C-A, I guess)Carmine, Jessica, and Steve.

Can someone PLEASE get my name right?

There's a nice mushy feeling you get when you go to the mailbox and find a heartfelt letter addressed to... who?! "CARMINA BURTNER?" "Hey, if I see her, I'll pass her mail along, ok?"

PUN-ishment

I knew someone who was a monorail enthusiast. He had a one track mind.

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, "ok, I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

Did you hear about the MAGIC tractor? It was driving down the road one day and suddenly turned into a field.

People who live beyond their means should act their wage.

I couldn't afford to buy cotton, so I decided to be abrasive and steel wool.

James Bond slept right through an earthquake... he was shaken, not stirred.

I used to have a job at a blanket factory, but it folded.

I was offered a job at making venetian blinds, but it sounded a little shady.

And finally, in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down, and paper was stationary.

Imagine!

Scientists say that we typically use only 60% of our brains...can you IMAGINE what we could achieve if we used the other 20%??

Creeping closer to Botox

Another year older! You'll notice I'm sporting my summer "tan", a.k.a. sunscreen-covered pale skin. We'll call it a lifelong experiment... I've worn SPF 30 every day since high school. I bet you'd never guess I just turned 46! (kidding! These 4 candles represent the big 2-5)

You can see I'm not exactly a sun-worshipper. My Husband dan says "TAN = SKINNY", to which I say "PALE is the NEW TAN!"

Club Sandwiches

www.noisebot.com

Gift Ideas for that Special Someone

It's hard to believe, but Christmas is just 3 months away! To help you avoid that last minute rush, I thought I'd make a few suggestion of this year's "big ticket items." Click on the image to enlarge



First, the Bingo Hat. Who wouldn't love a Bingo Hat?! The caption says that folks will be "startled"... well, I should HOPE so! My friend, if they don't notice anything different about you when you are wearing this, you might want to consider a visit to the plastic surgeon.

How about this one? Pure genius!


It's a real "wiener"!? Who writes this stuff?

I bet you're thinking the wiener toaster is hard to beat, but wait...


And look! Two for $16.50, so you can trim your ear AND your nose at the same time!

Parents: What NOT to name your kid

I know it's pretty popular these days for parents to come up with original and sometimes downright strange names for their offspring. However, this, we can all agree, is a very bad name choice. Last name, "Butt." That's bad enough, right? And hey, maybe the last name you really can't choose. But look at the first name: "Ufaq."

I know what you're thinking- no way, Carmine. But I'll have you know, that I personally met Ufaq Butt. She, unlike her name, is very lovely.

What's wrong with this picture?

Dan and I saw this lovely mannequin at the NYC train station in a little shop that sells pantyhose and well... items like this lovely model is wearing here. Dan says, "Whoa, look at the 6-pack abs on her! Wait... is that a MAN?"

We cracked up and got nasty looks from the store owner as Dan caused a distraction and I snapped a picture on my camera phone.

Here's a thought- how about you use FEMALE mannequins for your lingerie, ok? You're really not fooling anyone.

Dan says, "Sweet Nothings...Sweet Nothings...Sweet Nothings"