Elingsh Rschaerch

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

If God made billboards...

Martin Luther King would be Proud!

Roadsign

Coincidence?

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Pocket Taser

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.?? AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.??
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ?
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"?? What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? ?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,?and??
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!??
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"??
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative?? SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!?

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

Best Ever!

Check out Mr. Zombie and his happy family on a Disneyland ride. Is this not the BEST ride photo ever? HI-larious!

Fancy Snot Rags!

My sister told me that they have this in Canada- tissues with VICKS menthol in them! Brilliant! Why didn’t they think of this sooner? Has anyone found these in the U.S.? Where can I buy them? I think this is a revolution for tissues!

Life's stages

There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then 'skinned.' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.


by Jack Handey

In case of Emergency...

This morning, I fixed the toilet with a safety pin and a broken rubber band. Oh yeah, what’s up NOW, McGyver?!

Do you know how to SEW?

My personal trainer and I have this on-going competition to "out-joke" each other with dumb muscle flexing one liners. I'm calling on YOU, my faithful readers, to come up with some good ones that I can trump him with! Examples:

Do you know how to sew? Cause I'm RIPPED!
Do you have any band-aids? Cause I'm CUT!
Are there any mice around here? Cause my PYTHONS are HUNGRY!
Can you please call a vet? Cause these CALVES are SICK!

Any others? Ideas?

Remember ORBITZ?

Remember THIS DRINK? I don't know if it was ever in the U.S., but it was manufactured by Clearly Canadian beverages. I don't know what made me think of it, but I guess a bit of nostalgia prompted me to find out whatever happened to this sci-fi drink with floating bubbles of goo. Mmmmm floating goo.

Does anyone else ever remember drinking this stuff?

Engrish.com

Gotta put on my FARTIN' Shoes and my SPERMAN shirt! Yeah, check ME out!

(Engrish.com is so stinkin' hilarious!)

WARNING! Painful Wedgie Below!

In Las Vegas, we saw alot of "black bar across the eyes" worthy fashion faux pas. But none takes the cake like this lady we saw at the airport with what we like to refer to as a "reverse camel toe." Bobby snuck up behind her and took this picture with his iPhone, as we attempted to smother our giggles.

Ladies: what is the first place we check ourselves out in the fitting room when trying on a new pair of jeans? That's right- the BUTT. If the butt isn't pretty, there's no way those jeans are coming home with us. So how in the WORLD did this woman put these jeans on and think that they made her butt look GOOD?! If anything, it looks downright PAINFUL!

I said that her ass must be HUNGRY because it's eating her pants, and then Cory said, "Her ass is freaking DARFUR! It's STARVING!" Ha ha ha

Cory also pointed out the mystery of how they're SO tight in the ass, but SO baggy everywhere else... how does THAT work?! Let's please take a moment of silence on behalf of this tortured woman. Ok, there.

Cutie Patootie!

My mom and Dad are foster parents, and they've taken in dozens of kids since way before I was even born. Even now, with an empty nest and both of them in their 60's, they have this adorable little guy named Alex, who I really think is the reason that they stay so young! Dad sent me this picture of Alex playing near the tub. Apparently, he loves to wear Dad's winter hat, even though it's so big Dad has to roll and fold it up for it to stay out of his eyes.

Isn't my baby foster-brother SO cute?! He reminds me of Calvin on Calvin and Hobbes!

I'm losing my MIND!

Have you ever woken up in the morning, and can’t figure out what time it is? I had this crazy time warp thing this morning, and I thought I was going CRAZY! I remember checking the alarm last night before bed, and making sure it was set for 7am. I have this routine where I put the alarm clock across the room (so that I’m FORCED to get out of bed to turn it off) and when it goes off at 7, I turn it off, pick up the remote for the TV, turn on the tv, and crawl back into bed. Then, Diane Sawyer gently wakes me up as I listen to the news on Good Morning America. (When I walk past Times Square on my way to work, I usually look in the GMA window and mentally give a little “hey Diane” as she’s finishing up the broadcast! Pretty cool!) Anyway, this morning, I crawled back into bed and, as usual, listened to the news until about 7:20, when I get up to walk the dogs and get ready for work. When I laid back down in bed, though- I heard the LOCAL news: the news that runs from like 5am to 7am, before GMA.

The anchor was saying: “It’s 6:15am on Wednesday, February 20, 2008” and I mumbled to Dan, “Why did you set the alarm for 6:15am?!” He said he didn’t, but I just assumed that maybe he messed it up when he came to bed much later than me last night. So in my head, I was like, “Yes! I can sleep another HOUR!”

When the news announced that it was 7:45, I decided it was time to get up. I slept in a little bit past the normal 7:20, but I figured I still had PLENTY of time. ( See where I’m going with this?)

So, I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth, and I glance up at the clock on the wall which says 8:30! What the? So I go back to the TV, which says 7:45am in the bottom corner of the screen. By this time, I’m all confused. I figure that the clock in the bathroom must have stopped working LAST night at 8:30, and that’s why it’s messed up. I go back to the bathroom, and stare at the clock, just as the minute had clicks ahead. It’s NOT broken! So now I’m really freaking out. What the crap?! I find my cell phone and check the time. 8:35! So why is Diane Sawyer telling me that it’s 7:45?! I picked up the TiVo remote for the tv and push the “fast forward” button. Sure enough, it’s NOT live- it’s an HOUR and 15 minutes BEHIND LIVE TV!! The dogs must have pushed the “pause” button sometime last night when I fell asleep, and it PAUSED LIVE TV and put it back an hour! ARRGGHHHH!!!

So now I really WAS late! I’m usually on the subway by 8:30am, so that I don’t get stuck in someone’s armpit in the crowded rush hour. Dan says he’s going in late, so he’ll walk and feed the dogs, so I brush my teeth, stuff my gym clothes in my bag for after work, throw on some clothes and bolt out the door. What a freaking brain mess! I felt like I was in some kind of a time warp, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on!!

That’s crazy!

Stumpy

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Pedicure

I got a manicure/pedicure on Saturday at the little joint on 72nd where me and Cory and Cara got mani/pedi's for New Years (remember, Cor?) Even though everything in New York seems SO expensive, you CAN get one thing for cheap- Manicure AND pedicure for $19! Nice!

I chose a soft pale pink for my nails (neutral for my ahem... Grown up job at the office) but I went crazy on my pedicure and got NEON pink! I'm thinking, hey, I'll be in Vegas this weekend and probably be rockin' some open toe shoes so I may as well pick a FIERCE colour!

Anyways, I was getting ready to leave, after the pedicure was dry, and then some weird stuff went down. The chinese lady who did my nails started freaking out and rushing around me, and I honestly couldn't understand a WORD of what she was trying to say. The next thing I know, she's rubbing some crazy OIL on my toes, and then putting SANDWICH BAGS on my feet! What the? This is the FIRST time this has EVER happened? I just kinda sat there, stunned, and let her do her thing, and then I went home and took the oily bags off my feet.

STRANGE...

Craving...

Sarah- I'm craving one of your cupcakes right now! Thank goodness you don't live in NYC because I am SO needing the peanut butter cup one! Must...Be... STRONG!

The Freakin' coolest Shadow puppets EVER!

You MUST check this out!

GRAMMYS! Let's get CRAZZZY!

Did anyone watch the GRAMMY awards last night?! Amazing! I thought it was one of the best years ever! I loved Alicia Keys and Frank Sinatra’s duet right at the beginning, and I hate to admit it, but even thought I HATE country music, that girl Carrie Underwood was FIERCE and she really turned it out in her performance! Tina and Beyonce killed it during their Proud Mary duet- wow, it gave me chills! I was so glad to see that there was very little lip-synching too. I mean, this is the GRAMMYS, people- if you can’t sing live, then you certainly don’t deserve one!

I could go on and on- Andrea Boticelli and Josh Groban? Unbelievable! I was so excited when Stevie Wonder came out onstage… but he just introduced Alicia Key’s performance (aww! I wanna hear HIM!) Prince was SO super hot and he makes me wanna scream just in the way he walks out on stage. And KANYE! I’ve never really liked him, and his arrogance turned me off but last night he was THE performance to beat! That was incredible! YouTube it if you missed it!

Now for the worst- ugghhh Amy Winehouse. Why is everyone so crazy about her? Yeah, she has a unique retro sound, but Joss Stone can do it SO much better. And she’s a crazy crack addict- not someone I think needs an award- she needs to step out of the industry for a while and fix her problems first. She just creeps me out and she does such weird things with her mouth and her legs when she performs. Also in my bottom rank? Fergie- what a crap-tacular performance with John Legend. And John, you didn’t even SING! YOU were the one I wanted to hear, not that crackly trailer-trash sounding fake-tanned wacko. John, you’re amazing. No more duets with sub-par talent that couldn’t even hit pitch on that one LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG excruciating note that she held forever but never quite got up there to hit it. Open it up, girl! That was PAINFUL!

Time for comments- what was your top and least favourite moments from last night? Thoughts?

Immagine if you could spell...

I dropped my car off at our parking space in Queens last Sunday. As I was walking to the train in Astoria, I walked by this hair salon called "IMMAGINE" hair styling. Is the double "M" supposed to be trendy? Who spell checked this sign? This place has NOTHING on "YO! BEAUTY SUPPLY" in Philly! Watch out!

OW!

Relating to my “eye” posts recently, I found this article that suggests the most painful places to get a tattoo. Guess what the number one place is? The EYE! People actually get their EYEBALLS tattooed! Apparently, blind people or people with deformities, can get their eyeballs tattooed to make them look more esthetically pleasing. I never knew that! Check out the article on Newsweek.

Three Crazies

Here’s some fun pictures from last weekend: I met up with my friend Nancy (left) and her co-worker/friend Lindsay at Bahama Breeze in KOP. Nancy and I are so much alike, it’s crazy! We used to work together before I moved to NYC, and we still keep in touch and call each other often. Nancy and Lindsay went out in Old City Philadelphia for girls night, and I went to a movie with Corey and Becca. ( Terrible movie, might I add… you can refer to my other blog for the rant that accompanies THAT!) Nancy has a torturous “joke” where she calls me Car-MINE, just to get on my nerves. AGHHH!!!!!!! We scored pretty good at Bahama Breeze, though- when we asked for our check, he only charged us $4.99! We hooked him up with a $40 tip, so maybe he’ll hook us with free stuff again next time!

Jack Handey

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

EYE think this tastes terrible!

So here's the deal with my itchy eyes: no pink eye (that's good!) but I have some kind of weird allergy. The doctor says it's probably environmental, and it's just an irritation that is bothering

my sensitive eyes. Her best guess is that the subway dust, the dirt that flies around from all the cars and buses rushing by, all that stuff is just getting stuck on my eyeballs and making them red. She said I should wear my glasses when I'm walking to and from work outside, because they will help keep debris from blowing into them. Also, I have very dry eyes, and just like you need to moisturize your hands in the winter, I need to keep moisturizing my eyes.

She prescribed a stronger prescription eye drop, and warned me that it would sting a bit when I drop them in. I also have a moisturizing drop to put in whenever I think of it, as often as I can. Here's the bizarre thing, though- the prescription eye drops are getting into my THROAT and making my mouth all raw! It's awful, as soon as I put the drops in, I can TASTE them! They taste like nasty, salty, acidic, medicine, and the taste won't go away, so I have to chew gum or drink tea constantly. BLECH! I never realized that your eyeballs are connected to your throat!

I think I should suggest to the doctor that they should make these eyedrops in flavors like strawberry, banana, or grape. THAT would make them a bit easier to take! Ha ha ha

Did TiVo miss your fav show?

I found a great site to watch tv shows and movies on the 'net. Check out www.sidereel.com for all your boob-tubing needs!

Screw the gym- I'll just get THESE bad boys!